


PAUSE

by Bookkbaby



Series: VIDEO [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-22
Updated: 2014-05-22
Packaged: 2018-01-26 03:30:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1673063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookkbaby/pseuds/Bookkbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas comes to an important realization regarding his encounter with Dean's counterparts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	PAUSE

Cas woke with a start.

He sat up in his bed, chest heaving. His T-shirt was soaked with cold sweat and he shook.

Cas took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. Images of the dream, however, were still too fresh in his mind for him to find any kind of peace.

_Lips, gentle and deceptive against his own, then rough and dominating the second he was immobilized._

_Hands sweetly caressing his skin and then pulling him open, pulling him apart, positioning him like a doll._

Castiel's next inhale shuddered in his lungs.

He shouldn't be feeling nauseous over the memories. Cas knew he was being ridiculous, but regret and bile were climbing up his throat with uncomfortable regularity these days.

Cas had said 'yes'. He'd given Dean's counterparts permission to have sex with him, and sex had occurred. True, it hadn't been like what Castiel had imagined, and there were more than a few parts of it he hadn't enjoyed, but he'd consented. The details shouldn't matter.

Except... his Dean had thought that the details mattered.

His Dean had been horrified. His Dean had called it a violation.

Surely, though, that couldn't be right. Cas had said 'yes'.

Cas breathed in.

It shouldn't matter that he'd viewed the encounter as something to endure for tactile memory of Dean's touch. It shouldn't matter that, if he'd been able to, he would have chosen not to be tied up, or filmed, or forced to beg. He hadn't liked being gagged or bitten, or having the tie around his erection, or having the plug inside him.

None of that should matter because  _he'd said yes_ , without conditions or reservations, because it had been Dean. It shouldn't matter that, knowing what he now did, and that he'd endured the encounter for naught, he would have chosen differently.

Somehow, though, it  _mattered_. The tactile sensations Cas had done his best to strip from the memories containing them now made his skin crawl. The fantasy -softened memories that visited him in sleep, the ones he'd called 'dreams', were terrifying and nauseating in their own way.

Dean had seemed so upset when Cas had mentioned wishing things had gone differently. He'd only grown more agitated when Cas had spoken of all the things he would have changed, starting from the beginning when the vampire and the demon had undressed him.

Thinking back on it, there was little from that encounter Cas would have chosen to keep unaltered.

Still, 'would have', 'could have', 'should have'... did any of that matter now?

He'd given his permission. Cas hadn't been forced to agree to the ritual. He'd chosen to take part. The threats of violence had come after.

Cas could feel a memory bubbling up to the surface of his mind, a phantom hand around his ankle, squeezing,  _squeezing_ -

He breathed out.

It didn't matter that he hadn't known the details then. It didn't matter that it's not what he would have chosen. It didn't matter that he hadn't enjoyed it.

It  _didn't_. He'd said 'yes'.

He wished he hadn't.

Cas felt his eyes water. He was still shaking, worse now than when he'd first awoken, as the terrible realization really, truly hit him.

He'd wanted Dean, but he hadn't wanted that. He'd consented to sex, but he should have been allowed to choose how it happened.

He should have been able to say 'no' the moment he'd stopped wanting it.

Cas's bedsheets suddenly felt too constricting. He hurriedly kicked them off. He breathed in.

He breathed in again.

And again.

He was trembling, bile rising thick and hot in his throat and all the air he was inhaling going straight to his brain but not his lungs. He felt light-headed and dizzy.

It  _mattered_. It all mattered, and he'd simply not wanted to see it. The idea that Dean could perpetrate such an act, and upon Castiel-

But no.

His Dean had not. His Dean would never.

Castiel recalled Dean's horror, his anger, his agitation and upset over what had happened to Cas. Dean had seen the encounter for what it was long before Cas had even considered the possibility.

Dean would be able to tell him what to do.

Cas got out of the bed and headed out of his room, bypassing his robe and his slippers entirely. The chill of the air in the bunker hit his skin, raising tiny bumps along his exposed arms and legs, but he barely noticed the cold.

He went straight for Dean's room, only stopping when he was finally outside the closed door with his fist raised to knock. Cas paused, thinking.

Would Dean be angry with Cas for waking him? It had only been a nightmare after all, and the monsters from it could not touch him here. His desire for comfort and advice did not outweigh Dean's need for sleep, surely.

He found himself knocking anyway. He waited, arms folded across his chest and hands tucked tightly under his armpits, and tried not to worry about Dean's reaction. He could hear movement on the other side of the door, and the grumbling that always accompanied Dean being woken from a peaceful sleep, but Cas didn't have time to regret his choice before the door opened.

Dean stood in the doorway, blinking and half-leaning against the frame, clearly exhausted and Cas felt suddenly foolish for bothering him.

"Cas?" Dean asked. "It's the middle of the night."

"I'm sorry for bothering you," Cas said, looking away. "I'll just-"

"No, it's fine," Dean said, rubbing a hand over his face. He sounded irritated and Cas cursed himself for waking Dean. "What is it?"

Cas opened his mouth, but couldn't speak.

"Cas?"

Cas couldn't look at him.

"I..." Cas swallowed thickly, hardly able to speak. "I should have been allowed to say 'no'. I would have, but... they didn't let me."

Dean breathed in sharply, but didn't speak. For a moment, there was only silence.

Cas looked back at Dean, dimly aware that he'd started shaking again. He wrapped his arms around himself unconsciously, feeling chilled to the bone. He could almost see Dean's heart breaking for him.

"Cas..." Dean's voice was thick with emotion and he stepped forward tentatively, like Cas was a wounded animal and Dean was wary of getting bit. He stopped, just on the edge of Cas's personal space. "What do you need?"

Cas breathed out. He uncrossed his arms and reached out, grabbing handfuls of Dean's shirt. He pulled Dean closer and buried his face in Dean's neck, shivering when Dean's arms came up around him.

Dean's embrace was so gentle, so chaste, that it was no task at all to separate it from his other memories of being close to bodies shaped just like this.  Dean's hands did not wander; Dean's arms did not cage him.

Cas didn't want to lose this.

He lifted his head so that he and Dean were nose to nose.

"Kiss me?" he asked. Dean nodded minutely and leaned in, closing the last of the distance to place a sweet, closemouthed kiss against Cas's lips. Cas followed him when Dean tried to pull back, giving Dean a lingering, if still chaste, kiss.

"Whatever you need, Cas, I'll do it," Dean breathed, voice hoarse.

"Just hold me," Cas said. Dean's arms squeezed lightly and then relaxed, undemanding.

The touch was grounding. Cas felt himself grow calmer and calmer the longer Dean held him. Dean's counterparts had not been gentle, but his Dean was and always would be, perhaps more so because of the circumstances they found themselves in.

He could trust his Dean not to hurt him, at least not on purpose.

As the tension seeped out of Cas's body, he felt bone-deep weariness replace it. He was exhausted, mentally and physically, but he was loathe to return to his own room with nothing but memories for company.

"May I sleep with you tonight?" Cas asked. Dean tensed, surprised, and Cas realized how his question might be taken. "Just to sleep."

Dean relaxed.

"Yeah," Dean said. He cleared his throat and pulled back from the hug. "Come on in."

He stepped aside and allowed Cas through.

One side of the bed had clearly been slept in, an indent in the pillow off to said side. Cas climbed in the other side as Dean shut the door. It was pitch dark in the room, but Cas could vaguely see Dean's outline as Dean returned to bed. Cas felt the mattress and the blankets shift as Dean laid down beside him, close but not touching.

"How do you wanna do this?" Dean asked. Cas moved closer, reaching out blindly until he felt Dean's chest under his hand. Cas laid his head over Dean's heart and shifted until he was laying comfortably on his side.

"Is this ok?" Cas asked belatedly. Dean huffed a quiet chuckle and moved an arm to wrap around Cas's shoulders.

"This is great," Dean said. He pressed a light, tentative kiss to the top of Cas's head. "Goodnight, Cas."

Cas swallowed and closed his eyes.

"Goodnight, Dean."

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Also on tumblr at bookkbaby.tumblr.com!


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